Lupus Phallus – The Misunderstood Canid

Posted by grimachu on

Growling and whimpering the deformed beast makes its way – very delicately – towards you, as though it were treading upon broken glass. It’s lips are drawn back in a snarl of pain and frustration and its eyes burn with… insane lust?

Lupus Phallus Level 3 Lurker
Medium Natural Magical Beast
Initiative +6
Senses: Perception +8, Low-light vision
HP 38; Bloodied 19
AC 17, Fortitude 17, Reflexes 15, Will 15
Speed 3
Bite +8 (Standard, At-will)
1d6+4, 2d6+4 against a prone target.

Trip +8 (Standard, recharge 5,6)
1d6+4 damage, +6 Vs Reflexes or target is knocked prone.

Infuriate (Standard, recharge 6)
Close blast 6; +6 Vs Will. Anyone affected attacks the Lupus Phallus with a -2 penalty to hit and a +2 bonus to damage doing so. Attacking any other enemy retains the -2 penalty to hit but not the bonus to damage.

Surprise Sex (Standard, Encounter)
1d6+4 damage, can only be used against prone targets at +6 Vs Fortitude. Affected targets are unable to act while engaged by the Lupus Phallus and the attack automatically continues on the following turn and every turn after that until it fails.

Alignment: Unaligned

Ability Scores
Str 14 +4 Dex 15 +4 Wis 14 +4
Con 14 +4 Int 2 -2 Cha 10 +2

The Lupus Phallus – also known as the ‘dickwolf’ in the vulgar common tongue – is a creation of magic and not a natural beast at all. It is created using complex transformation magics upon the still developing pups within the belly of a normal female wolf changing them into these strange and pitiable creatures with a phallus for every limb.

Why anyone would initially want to create such a beast is unsettling to speculate about but they have come to serve a purpose in humiliating and disciplining slaves, prisoners and criminals in the mines, dungeons and stocks of lands and settlements that have access to powerful magic and which aren’t so concerned with matters of ‘good’.

The origin of the Lupus Phallus is lost to time immemorial but was first documented in the apocrypha of Onestrum Fiddler, the notorious ‘blue’ mage in the third age. The less permissive fourth age of the world has made things difficult for practitioners of blue magic, limiting their works to the more obscure corners of the published world but, during the third age it briefly flowered into serious academic debate and record and it is here, in these now-forgotten tomes that we find them first described.

The Lupus Phallus is the target of a great deal of hate and resentment, especially from those who have suffered its sticky attentions but the beast is actually as much a pitiable victim as anyone who has had to endure its lusty advances.

When a Lupus Phallus is born it cannot walk. It’s loose and floppy limbs are more like useless, uncontrollable tentacles. Each Lupus Phallus must be hand-reared until they hit adolescence and it is only then that they can – gingerly – make their way slowly around on their limbs. Even after this point they are unable to hunt and must, instead, be fed. It is also at this time that their trademark behaviour of trying to mount anything and everything kicks in and their trainers must harshly discipline them so that they only try it on that which they are supposed to.

The results may be unpleasant, but the Lupus Phallus is only acting on its natural instincts. An unfixed male puppy or dog with the loveliest temprement will still try to hump someone’s leg due to sexual frustration. Imagine that puppy with not one, but five phalloi, pumping hormones and reacting to the slightest daydream or pleasant sensation with powerful urges. The poor Lupus Phallus is driven insane, every day, with beatings and sexual frustration, little wonder then that it unleashes those urges with such enthusiasm when it is permitted.

Even then the poor beast’s suffering does not end. A quintuple orgasm not only drains the beasts vital bodily fluids but causes such strain on the creature’s heart that many die the first time they’re allowed relief.

Subject to a recent witchhunt the poor Lupus Phallus is now more endangered than ever and this majestic and misunderstood beast may soon be extinct. Adopt one today and protect the Lupus Phallus from exploitation and hatred until specialist mages can complete their work on the Coochcoyote and allow for the Lupus Phallus species to become self-perpetuating.

49 responses to “Lupus Phallus – The Misunderstood Canid”

    • I succeeded on my Empathy roll for victims of spurious witch hunts and for the poor Dickwolf itself, whom nobody seems to have been concerned about. The poor beast.
      Fail your Sense of Humour and Sense of Proportion checks?
      ‘Surprise Sex’ is a common humourous term found in various venues. I chose it in the above to poke fun at PC/obfuscatory terminology my favourite example of which comes from military briefings during Vietnam, ‘Pre-emptive counterattack’, or ‘ambush’.

      Reply

  3. I’m running these in my campaign now.
    This is the most hilarious D&D creature I’ve seen since the redneck tree from Something Positive.

    Reply

    • For thinking of the poor Lupus Phallus in all this? Doomed to be used as a tool by unscrupulous evil overlords who don’t think of it as anything more than a ‘device’? A living, breathing creature perverted by magic into something that should-not-be?
      I guess some people don’t have empathy for animals…

      Reply

      • A descriptive term used in many places (including the BDSM/sexual fantasist communities) to describe a consensual act, used here in preference over the term ‘rape’. The joke there is on the manipulation of language… ah well, if you’d read my answer to Captain Facepalm you’d already know this.

      • Huh, that’s interesting. I’ve been involved with BDSM for years now, in multiple cities as well as online fora, and I’ve never heard anyone use that term for rape fantasy play.
        Your joke isn’t funny. Except to you. Your flailing that it is too funny, and we’re all just humourless…well, actually, that is hilarious.

      • I have. People have different world experiences. Who knew!? There’s a startling revelation.
        Again, people seem to disagree with you. You may not find it funny, that’s down to your personal taste or, more likely, your cognitive bias.
        Poorly thought out fantasy creatures are often funny, tentacle monsters, flumphs, even beholders are pretty ludicrous. Sexual features are also often figures of fun, consider poor old Priapus of Greek myth.
        You seem to be confusing your own viewpoint with a universalist one and also seem to lack the objectivity or parsing skills to interpret something you’ve already decided you’re going to hate.
        You’re perfectly welcome not to like it and not to find it funny, even to find it offensive. No skin off my nose. Just don’t claim to speak for everyone.
        Pip pip.

      • Lol, I love that anyone who disagrees with your nonsense is simply less objective than you. Also, seeing as you keep angrily claiming that it is too funny, aren’t you the one universalizing?
        I will grant you are funny throwing around a shitty attempt at armchair psychology. Maybe you should keep with that?

      • I’m not angry, more disappointed in people. You’re only making emotive arguments and insults, nothing more. That which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence. That applies to emotional histrionics such as yours as much as it applies to theistic or supernaturalistic arguments.
        I am saying that other people do find it funny. You’re asserting that it objectively is NOT funny. Given that humour is subjective and given that your objection is based not on the material itself but rather your presumption, I’d say that my position has more wiggle room to it than your absolutist one.
        Of course, you didn’t have to come here in the first place which would also support my hypothesis that some people go out of their way to be offended.
        Personally, I like an argument with some substance, rather than ‘Lol’ and ad hominems. If you’d care to make a cogent argument you can stay and continue to comment, otherwise my house, my rules and well, Futuaris nisi irrisus ridebis.

  5. The wonderful thing about this whole fiasco is it outs so many people who I would otherwise never realize are complete fucking assholes.

    Reply

    • And in this case, an asshole being lauded by the @teamrape account on twitter, the same account that has been championing “dickwolves support” and harassing rape survivors on twitter.

      Reply

      • I am unaffiliated with ‘teamrape’. Isn’t ‘rape survivor’ rather a redundant term or is it one of those cases where people don’t like the word ‘victim’ for some reason?
        Of course people are going to be anti-censorship. Not agreeing with you doesn’t make someone an arsehole. As to counter-harassment, it’s childish to sink to the same level as the opposition but on an intellectual level it’s understandable. From the trolls POV ‘rape survivors’ have outed themselves as easy marks to attack through their sensitivity, to others it’s just a matter of countering those who are attacking one of their ‘triggers’, censorship.
        I’ve had similar nonsensical overreactions to some of my work so I’m afraid I side very much with PA on this whole matter, though not the harassers – on either side.

      • “sn’t ‘rape survivor’ rather a redundant term or is it one of those cases where people don’t like the word ‘victim’ for some reason?”
        Speaking from experience, I know someone who didn’t survive her rape. So, no.

      • Clearly you don’t, since this is funny and you’re not laughing. Your continued reactions are, however, tragi-comic especially since you apparently are still in kneejerk mode rather than thinking mode.
        More seriously, humour is subjective.

      • No, it’s not funny, except to you, and that guy laughing at his own jokes never is as clever as he thinks he is.
        You’re being awfully defensive. Did I harsh your rape-joke squee? Poor bb!

      • There seem to be enough who disagree with you that I’m not going to lose any sleep over your personal reaction to it, or indeed anything else.
        Again, no rape joke.
        While so much focus has been poured onto the wellbeing of the fictional rape victim in the fictional world of a fictional version of warcraft, itself a fictional world, I found myself wondering what the life of the poor dickwolf would actually be like. There’s more than one fictional victim of a fictional act involved here you heartless fictional animal-hater.

      • The lurkers support your making rape jokes in email? Wow, way to find a way to make that claim even more pathetic. But hey, you and #teamrape go play together. Leave the grownups alone.
        I do hate fictional animals. just the other day, I totally punched a unicorn.

      • Grownups don’t assume anything and everything is a crack or attack upon them.
        Poor unicorn, I hope you stabbed your hand doing so. What next, stamping on tribbles?

      • …And again, since the point doesn’t seem to be getting through, no rape joke.
        *Dons professorial glasses*
        Ze humour in zis piece is primarily gleaned from zer fact zat in all of zis fuss zer plight of zer poor ‘dickvolf’ has been ignored. Nobody has stopped to sink about zer animal at zer centre of zis controversy. A creature perverted by magic und used as vun might use thumbscrews or zer iron maiden, an instrument of torture, not an animal in its own right.
        As such it jons a very large pantheon of similar, stupid creatures in fantasy settings und deserves a closer look and a little thought. Hein?

      • Heh, I got this link from a “rape-survivor” (she’d never use the term because of how retarded she feels it is) because she thought this was hilarious.
        But obviously everyone who’s ever been sexually assaulted has to hate stuff like this and she must be lying about having been sexually assaulted right?
        Oh wait, everyone has different experiences and different opinions about things and deals with events like having been raped differently, mind blowing isn’t it?

  9. Gorram Hilarious!
    I find it hilarious, and think the trolls with a serious case of overactive offended glans are tragi-comic and perhaps in need of medication. We could send them a dickwolf puppy to raise, love and be loved by, so they can see the insensitivity of their assumptive position. Or sensitivity, (or even over-sensitivity) as the case may be. Your much more in-depth article (Dickwolves ‘Kerfuffle’) is also a pleasure.
    MF

    Reply

Leave a reply to Anonymous Cancel reply