The Pretentious Wine Table

wine-spritzers-ay-1892155-lNeed a snotty and superior description for a wine (or other drink) in your game? Look no further.

Roll 2d4 and then roll on the following tables that many times to get your wine’s characteristics.

D6: 1-2 column 1, 3-4 column 2, 5-6 column 3.

Don’t forget to categorise these descriptions within the following sort of things: Aftertaste, Aroma/Bouquet/Nose, Body, Definition, Finish, Midpalate, Palate, Structure, Texture, Undertone


Taken from the Queen’s personal reserve only five bottles of Synotian Melon-wine remain in existence.

(2d4, total 4 characteristics)

Column 1: Charming
Column 2: Lavender
Column 2: Lean
Column 3: Sweet

Description: The Queen’s-Label, Melon-wine, is a charming little wine with a lavender bouquet, a lean flavour on the palate and a sweet finish.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
1. Acacia Egg Orange
2. Accessible Elderflower Orange Blossom
3. Acidic Elegant Oxidized
4. Aggressive Eucalyptus Passion Fruit
5. Alcoholic Expansive Pea
6. Almond Expressive Peach
7. Aniseed Extracted Peanut
8. Appley Fallen over Pear
9. Apple Blossom Farmyardy Peardrops
10. Apple Peel Fat Pebble
11. Apricot Feminine Peppermint
12. Asparagus Fennel Peppery
13. Baked. Fig Peppery Herbaceous
14. Banana Finesse Petrolly
15. Barnyard Firm Pine
16. Basil Flabby Pineapple
17. Beery Flat Plastic
18. Beetroot Fleshy Plummy
19. Bell Pepper Flinty Polished
20. Big Floral Polythene
21. Biscuity Flowery-Fruity Popcorn
22. Bite Foxy Potato
23. Bitter Fresh Powerful
24. Black Pepper Fruit Prickly
25. Blackberry Full Prune
26. Blackcurrant Garlic Quince
27. Blackcurrant Leaf Gas Racy
28. Blowzy Gasoline Raisin
29. Blue Cheese Geranium Raspberry
30. Blueberry Gingerbread Redcurrant
31. Brazil Nut Goat Reticent.
32. Bread Gooseberry Rhubarb
33. Bright Grapefruit Rich
34. Broadbean Grapey Robust
35. Bubble-Gum Grassy Rose Petal
36. Burnt Green Rotten Egg
37. Burnt Match Green Apple Round
38. Burnt Rubber Green Pepper Rubber
39. Buttermilk Greengage Sassy
40. Butterscotch Gutsy Sauerkraut
41. Buttery Hard Sharp
42. Cabbage Harsh Sherry-like
43. Camphor Hay Short
44. Candle-Wax Hazelnut Skunk
45. Candy Heavy Smokey
46. Candyfloss Herbaceous Smoky-Spicy
47. Capsicum Herbal Smoky-Toasty-Burnt
48. Caramel Hollow Smooth
49. Carnation Honey Soapy
50. Cassis Horse Soft
51. Cat-Pee Hot Sour
52. Cauliflower Inky Soy Sauce
53. Cedarwood Jammy Spearmint
54. Celery Kerosene Spicy
55. Chalk Dust Lavender Stables
56. Charming Lean Stalky
57. Cheesy Leathery Stemmy
58. Cherry Lemony Stewed Apple
59. Chewy Light-Struck Stilton
60. Chive Lilac Strawberry
61. Chocolaty Lily Of The Valley Summer Fruits
62. Cigar-box Lime Supple
63. Cinnamon Lime Tree Sweaty
64. Citrus. Linalool Sweaty Saddles
65. Classic Liquorice Sweet
66. Clean Liveliness Sweet Pepper
67. Clear Luscious Tannic
68. Closed Lychee Tar
69. Clove Macaroon Tarragon
70. Cloying Magnolia Tart
71. Coarse Malt Tea
72. Cocoa Mandarin Thin
73. Coconut Manure Thirst-quenching
74. Coffee Margarine Tight
75. Compact Marsh-Mallow Toasty
76. Complete Marzipan Tobacco
77. Complex Mature Toffee
78. Concentrated Mean Tomato
79. Concoction Meaty Tomato Leaf
80. Connected Mellow Tropical Fruit
81. Cooked Melon Truffle
82. Corky Metallic Unoaked
83. Corn-On-The-Cob Milky Upfront
84. Cranberry Mineraly Urine
85. Creamy Mint Vanilla
86. Crisp Mothball Vegetal
87. Crust Mouldy Vinegar
88. Cucumber Mouse Violet
89. Currant Leaf Muscat Vivid
90. Delicate Mushroom Voluptuous
91. Depth Musky Walnut
92. Dirty Musty Warm
93. Dirty Dishcloth Nail-Polish Watery
94. Dried Fruit Nervy Wax & Honey
95. Dried up Nutty Wet Dog
96. Dry Oaky White Pepper
97. Dusty Oily Yeasty
98. Earthy Old Young
99. Easy Onion Zesty
100. Edgy Opulent Zippy

Wine, meths, Brut, it all ends the same way.

SOWYGO 4: Geeknesses Wot I don’t Get

I have a very analytical approach to things. I take my time to look into them and the issues around them, the evidence and then I come to a conditional conclusion that is subject to change, on the presentation of other evidence that holds water or is sufficient and well executed enough to demonstrably contradict previous evidence. The first step though, is to ask. SOWYGO is mainly about getting positive images of various nerdery out there but I think there’s an opportunity here for some cross-nerdery understanding. So, here’s some geekdoms, some fandoms, that I don’t get and which I invite you to educate me on:

1. Furries

What I don’t get: Anthro art I get (Omaha, Usagi), werewolves, centaurs, mythical creatures I can get my head around but… obsession over cartoonish characters, dressing up in a suit – however impressive the craft – taking on a persona outside of a role-playing game, that I don’t get. I’m not going to ignore the elephant in the room here either, the whole furry sex thing just makes me blink, or gag, especially when things get… weirder. Someone explain Doug Winger to me (don’t click).


2. Sports Nerdery

What I don’t get: Any of it. Car racing is just people driving in circles and the variations are minor. Cricket takes forever to get going. The shenanigans of football players off the pitch are far more interesting than the actual games themselves and they’re hideously overpaid. It just seems to be the same thing over and over again and the statistical obsession goes far beyond the aspy behaviour of the worst Traveller players into scary, scary savant territory. What’s the appeal?

3. Historical Wargaming

What I don’t get: You already know what happens. Historical battles are often determined by overwhelming force or sheer tactical advantage so, when you recreate the battle the outcome is probably about 90% predetermined. If you step out of that what’s putting you off fantasy wargaming? (Assuming it does put you off). The rules used for historical wargaming also seem to be impenetrable compared to fantasy or SF gaming, inaccessible, difficult or with little room for chance. What’s up with that?

4. Wine/Ale

What I don’t get: Wine makes me sick anyway and I can’t stand the taste of beer, so I’ll never enjoy it, but it’s just rotten grape juice isn’t it? Studies consistently show that most people aren’t able to tell the difference and that price and label creates far more of a difference to people’s perception than the wine itself. So… huh? Ale… less of a problem, I can’t stand it but I can smell or taste the difference but what’s the appeal of all the very different kinds?

5. Cosplay

What I don’t get: Most of the characters that people dress up as are from computer games or fantasy art and those are impossibly perfect physical specimens. Sure you can do great photo-sets with photoshop and get panted at by nerd boys and girls, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Most geeks, nerds, freaks etc (hell, most PEOPLE) don’t look like anime characters or computer game characters and trying to – without MAJOR disfiguring surgery – is a fool’s errand. I get the crafting side and all that, I just don’t get the whole thing when it’s all put together.

Please help me understand your geekdoms, the ones above, or others!