The Pretentious Wine Table

wine-spritzers-ay-1892155-lNeed a snotty and superior description for a wine (or other drink) in your game? Look no further.

Roll 2d4 and then roll on the following tables that many times to get your wine’s characteristics.

D6: 1-2 column 1, 3-4 column 2, 5-6 column 3.

Don’t forget to categorise these descriptions within the following sort of things: Aftertaste, Aroma/Bouquet/Nose, Body, Definition, Finish, Midpalate, Palate, Structure, Texture, Undertone


Taken from the Queen’s personal reserve only five bottles of Synotian Melon-wine remain in existence.

(2d4, total 4 characteristics)

Column 1: Charming
Column 2: Lavender
Column 2: Lean
Column 3: Sweet

Description: The Queen’s-Label, Melon-wine, is a charming little wine with a lavender bouquet, a lean flavour on the palate and a sweet finish.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
1. Acacia Egg Orange
2. Accessible Elderflower Orange Blossom
3. Acidic Elegant Oxidized
4. Aggressive Eucalyptus Passion Fruit
5. Alcoholic Expansive Pea
6. Almond Expressive Peach
7. Aniseed Extracted Peanut
8. Appley Fallen over Pear
9. Apple Blossom Farmyardy Peardrops
10. Apple Peel Fat Pebble
11. Apricot Feminine Peppermint
12. Asparagus Fennel Peppery
13. Baked. Fig Peppery Herbaceous
14. Banana Finesse Petrolly
15. Barnyard Firm Pine
16. Basil Flabby Pineapple
17. Beery Flat Plastic
18. Beetroot Fleshy Plummy
19. Bell Pepper Flinty Polished
20. Big Floral Polythene
21. Biscuity Flowery-Fruity Popcorn
22. Bite Foxy Potato
23. Bitter Fresh Powerful
24. Black Pepper Fruit Prickly
25. Blackberry Full Prune
26. Blackcurrant Garlic Quince
27. Blackcurrant Leaf Gas Racy
28. Blowzy Gasoline Raisin
29. Blue Cheese Geranium Raspberry
30. Blueberry Gingerbread Redcurrant
31. Brazil Nut Goat Reticent.
32. Bread Gooseberry Rhubarb
33. Bright Grapefruit Rich
34. Broadbean Grapey Robust
35. Bubble-Gum Grassy Rose Petal
36. Burnt Green Rotten Egg
37. Burnt Match Green Apple Round
38. Burnt Rubber Green Pepper Rubber
39. Buttermilk Greengage Sassy
40. Butterscotch Gutsy Sauerkraut
41. Buttery Hard Sharp
42. Cabbage Harsh Sherry-like
43. Camphor Hay Short
44. Candle-Wax Hazelnut Skunk
45. Candy Heavy Smokey
46. Candyfloss Herbaceous Smoky-Spicy
47. Capsicum Herbal Smoky-Toasty-Burnt
48. Caramel Hollow Smooth
49. Carnation Honey Soapy
50. Cassis Horse Soft
51. Cat-Pee Hot Sour
52. Cauliflower Inky Soy Sauce
53. Cedarwood Jammy Spearmint
54. Celery Kerosene Spicy
55. Chalk Dust Lavender Stables
56. Charming Lean Stalky
57. Cheesy Leathery Stemmy
58. Cherry Lemony Stewed Apple
59. Chewy Light-Struck Stilton
60. Chive Lilac Strawberry
61. Chocolaty Lily Of The Valley Summer Fruits
62. Cigar-box Lime Supple
63. Cinnamon Lime Tree Sweaty
64. Citrus. Linalool Sweaty Saddles
65. Classic Liquorice Sweet
66. Clean Liveliness Sweet Pepper
67. Clear Luscious Tannic
68. Closed Lychee Tar
69. Clove Macaroon Tarragon
70. Cloying Magnolia Tart
71. Coarse Malt Tea
72. Cocoa Mandarin Thin
73. Coconut Manure Thirst-quenching
74. Coffee Margarine Tight
75. Compact Marsh-Mallow Toasty
76. Complete Marzipan Tobacco
77. Complex Mature Toffee
78. Concentrated Mean Tomato
79. Concoction Meaty Tomato Leaf
80. Connected Mellow Tropical Fruit
81. Cooked Melon Truffle
82. Corky Metallic Unoaked
83. Corn-On-The-Cob Milky Upfront
84. Cranberry Mineraly Urine
85. Creamy Mint Vanilla
86. Crisp Mothball Vegetal
87. Crust Mouldy Vinegar
88. Cucumber Mouse Violet
89. Currant Leaf Muscat Vivid
90. Delicate Mushroom Voluptuous
91. Depth Musky Walnut
92. Dirty Musty Warm
93. Dirty Dishcloth Nail-Polish Watery
94. Dried Fruit Nervy Wax & Honey
95. Dried up Nutty Wet Dog
96. Dry Oaky White Pepper
97. Dusty Oily Yeasty
98. Earthy Old Young
99. Easy Onion Zesty
100. Edgy Opulent Zippy

Wine, meths, Brut, it all ends the same way.

So, you can’t think of a game plot?

One thing I believe strongly in, is that you can get a game plot from just about anywhere. Rip off a couple of films or TV series and mix them together. Take a couple of books and rip the bits you like out of them. Listen to an album and look at the song titles and see what comes to mind.

In working on MotSP and looking at the inspiration – LotFP – me and Raggi don’t agree on everything, but one thing we definitely do agree on is ‘Because it’s awesome, so fuck you’. Unfettered, unrestricted, anything goes, rough-and-tumble gaming. Because it’s fun. Sometimes you want plausibility, sometimes you want giant, stone, radioactive heads firing laser-beams out of their eyes while reciting prophecy. Cool, fab, whatever.

MotSP is more of an ‘anything goes’ sort of game but one thing I do want to include, to mirror LotFP is a lot of GM and player advice and ‘How I play’. Tools and ideas that I’ve found useful to help out when you’re running a game.

Part of that is coming up with plots.

Yesterday I did an experiment. I asked my friends on Twitter, Facebook and G+ to name ‘five awesome things’ without telling them what it was for or about. It’s my contention that you can use even this to come up with plots. So I collated everything they suggested into The Table of Awesome below. Not only does this give you an insight into the psychological nature of my followers (!) but it can also be used for gaming inspiration.

The Table of Awesome

1-3 Art
4 Barbarians
5-7 Beasts
8-13 Books
14-16 Children
17-19 Clothes
20-21 Colours
22 Dancing
23 Dice
24 DNA
25-30 Drugs
31-33 Entertainment
34-35 Fitness
36 Forests
37 Freedom
38 Friendship
39-41 Games
42 Happiness
43-44 History
45-46 Humour
47 Keys
48 Libraries
49-50 Life
51-52 Machines
53-55 Martial Arts
56-57 Megafauna
58 Mind
59-61 Music
62-63 Natural Disasters
64-66 Pets
67 Pirates
68 Plants
69 Retro
70-71 Robots
72-74 Romance
75 Sadness
76 Science
77 Self
78-82 Sex
83 Sleep
84-85 Solar Storms
86-87 Space
88 Spaceships
89-90 Sports
91 Storms
92 Swords
93 Tattoos
94-95 Tech
96 Time travel
97 Travel
98-100 Universe

Here’s an example:

Machines, Children, Pets

Space Family Robertson: A family spaceship AI has decided that the parents are utterly irresponsible and has marooned the mother, father, the camp professor and the jock space-marine on a planet. It has then absconded with the older sexy daughter, the younger weirder daughter and the precocious genius son as well as the family robot and their pet space-monkey. The family wants to hire the ‘venturers to take them to regain their family. To do so they’ll have to track them down, invade the ship, overcome the defences and the robot and even – perhaps – convince the kids that they DO need saving.

To show that’s not a fluke…

Megafauna, Universe, Humour

Whalin’ on ’em: Voidwhales tack between universes, feasting on planckton. Adult whales have absorbed enough of the ‘stuff of reality’ that the can be harvested for enough raw ‘quintessence’ to create your own, small, pocket universes. Rumour has it that a ripe, fat whale has just entered this parallel and the worth of a whole custom universe cannot be underestimated! Killing the whale isn’t enough, it must be harvested and when it’s the size of a moon that ain’t easy. Matters are further complicated by an obsessed whaler, a shanty-town of starships on the creature’s skin and a race of intelligent parasites living inside it.

You don’t need to go to the lengths I have, but ‘three things’ seems to work well for inspiration. You could have a ‘hat’ into which your players can put plot suggestions, things they think are awesome, things they want to see in the game and then pluck things out, each session, looking for inspiration.

All you really need is that spark to get your brain going.