From yesterday’s Twitter madness:
- Having trouble getting players to listen to your descriptions? Pay R. Lee Ermey to shout them instead.
- To increase randomisation ‘train’ your cat to chase dice.
- Don’t play Conspiracy X, it’s ALL TRUE!
- Create the RIFTS atmosphere by injecting your players with testosterone and LSD, then bashing their skull with hammer
- Help counter power-creep in your games by replacing experience points with head.
- Make your rolls better by clubbing a leprechaun to death with your dice bag
- If they give you lip, threaten to outsource your players to India.
- Tattoo important rules onto your body so you always have them to hand.
- Play Exalted with more than four players.
- Use your moobs to conceal dice rolls from your players.
- Save on game prep time by not learning the rules.
- Recreate a NASA feel for your SF game by filling your play room with 70s computers and giving everyone’s money to a soldier.
- Form an all-star player group to show your group how it’s done, GMS, Justin Achilli, Me, Ron Edwards and RPGPundit would be a good start.
- Increase game immersion by running LOTR entirely in Sindarin.
- Defeat Rules Lawyers by claiming The Terrorists Win if you uphold their complaint.
- Justify out of character shitty behaviour by NPCs with the phrase ‘bitches be crazy, yo’.
- Get tips on suspension of disbelief from Col. Gadaffi.
- Don’t feel like GMing? Summon the unquiet spirit of Gary Gygax, ask him about 4e and then have him run Tomb of Horrors.
- Get the best out of your game by threats to start a new one with blackjack and hookers.
- Show your players how it’s done by introducing a GM PC to pick up the slack when they fail.
- Medical waste is a great source of game props.
- Increase player attendance by having their partner and children killed by the Serbian Mafia.
- Get your players emotionally invested in the game by sleeping with them.
- Want to get more girls to play in your games? Rohypnol.
- Create a peasant look by eating 1lb of sugar pulling out three teeth and smoking this will also give you a medieval lifespan.
- Your descriptions aren’t good enough to scare players in horror games? Keep Goatse flashcards to hand.
- Having attendance trouble at your sessions? Addict your players to crack. They’ll come back!
- Create that all important Steampunk atmosphere by playing up a chimney and smacking any female player who opens their mouth.
- Beholder encounter? Shine a high-powered laser pointer at your player’s eyes.
- Worried about cheating? Make everyone play naked and roll their dice for them.
- Give that session of Gamma Worldan authentic edge by feeding your players polonium in their pizza.
- Make that inn-based downtime a session to remember by dressing up a homeless man as a wizard and hiring prostitutes to be wenches.
- Add verisimilitude when the adventure in the sewers by shitting your pants during the game.
- Condition your munchkins to avoid combat by slapping them in the face every time they take damage
- Amuse and amaze players by explaining that the gruelling six-hour dungeon they have just laboured through was ‘all an illusion’.
- Add that indefinable ‘Ridley Scott’ atmosphere to your games by setting fire to some rags in a plastic bucket.
- If the text says ‘read this aloud to your players’, then you’d better fucking do it. If you mess up, just start all over again.
- Don’t neglect player handouts! They’ll never forget the trouble you went to when you use proper offal.
- Don’t waste cash on expensive miniatures. Langoustines make ideal Mi-Go and one block of lard can yield over 50 Gelatinous Cubes.
- Pyramidal dice make ideal caltrops when players try to flee.
- Avoid the age-old problem of stained, unwashed gamer clothing by simply GMing naked.
- Remind your dice who is in charge by ‘executing’ the ones who ‘fail you’ with a hammer.
- Save valuable playing time and avoid arguments by simply telling players what they decide to do next.
- Authentically recreate Olde English speech by simply adding ‘-eth’ to the end of every word.
- Plastic ‘pizza savers’ make ideal towers for unambitious wizards.
- Bring ‘power gamers’ down to size by insisting they suck helium from a balloon before being allowed to speak.
- Cultivate players’ attachment to their characters by enacting a simple ‘one nose hair pulled per hit point lost’ rule.
- Keep an air horn ready under the gaming table to liven up dull ‘what shall we do next’ moments.
- Simulate the tension of a collapsing dungeon ceiling by dunking a hob-nob in hot coffee and holding it above your player’s head.
The Rules are there for everyone’s benefit. If they won’t play by them, sue your players.
Increase game immersion by making Hobbits in a LOTR kneel barefoot throughout and Elves stand on chairs