Lest you think we’d gotten all tasteful and sensitive all of a sudden, from the twisted mind of Brad McDevitt comes…
What the Hell…?
Lesbian Ninja Vampire Cheerleaders With Chainsaws Save The World From Zombies is a satirical role-playing game for adults. Not that kind of role-playing.. the tabletop kind. It borrows liberally from higher-education hijinks movies and shows, anime, hentai, kung-fu movies, classical horror literature, the Arthurian mythos, and exploitation movies, with a healthy dose of soft-core and hardcore porno action to add that extra jalapeno-pepper-sized kick.
In Lesbian Ninja Vampire Cheerleaders With Chainsaws Save The World From Zombies, you, the player, take the part of a very specific type of character: the eponymous cheerleaders of the title. Whereas in other games that will go unnamed for legal reasons, you the player don’t get to choose whether you are a wizard, a warrior, a thief, a spy, etc. In this game, you play a vampire ninja cheerleader, and almost definitely a lesbian.
But I think you knew that going into this, right? So let’s get back the story.
Zombies, Zombies Everywhere, and Into You Their Teeth to Sink…
Three years ago, in 2012, a supernatural disaster has engulfed the world, causing the recent and sometimes not so recent dead to rise to devour the living. The world’s governments are at best in disarray; many have fallen altogether. TheUnited Statesgovernment, with most of the Eastern half of the country overrun with zombies, as been forced to relocate toBoulder,Colorado. From there, they have regrouped, and are holding the line at theMississippi River, but only barely.
All along the Eastern Seaboard and most of theMidwest, however, is decimated. While life survives, most towns are armed and barricaded camps, ready and prepared to repel hordes of cannibalistic undead at any moment. And those fighting for their survival know that each death on their side only adds to the numbers of the enemy.
Lesbian Ninja Vampire Cheerleaders to the Rescue!
Humanity, however, is not without allies. Faced with the extinction of the human race, the mother of all Vampires, the Biblical Lilith, has come out her retirement as the president of a small all-girls’ college and taken up the gauntlet to save the human race.
With her she brings her elite cadre of warriors: hand-picked ninja warriors she has granted the gift of Vampirism. Lilith, wronged by many men since the days of Adam, had long ago turned her back on the world and the attentions of Men, hence all her recent converts have been women, the only people Lilith still trusts enough to risk having around forever. That Lilith is also the coach for the school’s cheerleading team made it an easy decision for her to start by making those girls her first of her team of Vampire ninjas.
Even before she made them Vampires, Lilith had already seduced many of the cheerleading team into being her lovers. Given Lilith’s Skillz at lesbian lovemaking, it was a seduction none of the cheerleaders resented.
In their first soiree against the Zombies, the ninja cheerleaders quickly found that traditional weapons are not very effective against the undead, or at least against that particular type of undead,. Guns did no noticeable damage except with lucky headshots, and stabbing them did no good whatsoever. Luckily, that fight was in a department store in the tools section, one of the ninjas had the bright idea to grab a display model chainsaw*, and the day (or night) was saved.
*odd that a dangerous piece of machinery on public display would be fully loaded and ready to use, ehh?
Since then Lilith has equipped and trained all her ninjas with chainsaws and sends them out on missions up and down the Eastern Seaboard (and beyond as necessary) trying to destroy as many zombies as possible, safeguarding human enclaves when they find them, and generally trying to figure out ways to slow the effects of the Zombie Apocalypse.
A World Gone Gonzo
It is now 3 AZ (Anno Zombie), and the world has seen an upsurge in overall weirdness. Angels an Demons have emerged from the shadows to join the fight for humanity. Equally, werewolves and other vampires (mostly male) have joined with the enigmatic forces that caused the disaster, seeking to enslave and slaughter the human race.
Magic has started to flourish in ways unseen outside ofHollywoodsummer blockbusters. In hidden laboratories, scientists are making breakthroughs that would make Albert Einstein’s hair go white, if it had not been already, then using them on the battlefield, both for and against Humanity. The laws of probability, possibility, and general sanity are breaking down, with only a tiny group of lesbian vampire ninja cheerleaders to stop it.
What this means is that anything the game master decides to throw at you is game. It doesn’t matter how silly or offbeat the idea is, with no particular attention paid to or to be paid to continuity, story logic, or any of the literary devices that are usually evoked for giving a game that sense of snooty Gravitas preferred by real game-writers.
All This, And Smut, Too!
And that is where your character comes in… as a member of that tiny group, you are a of lesbian vampire ninja cheerleader, tasked by Lilith to save humanity. You are also expected to continue your college education. And you plan to, if you can find time in killing zombies, partying, and having wild lesbian sex with your fellow ninjas!
Systems? We need some Steenking Systems!
LNVCwCStWfZ uses a simple d6 resolution system vs. game-master set target numbers. Making your ninja is a simple point-buy system, dividing 20 points between attributes, applying bonuses and penalties , choosing Power and Skillz, getting geared up with your Toys, and you are done.
Your Lesbian Ninja Vampire cheerleader is now ready to
1) kick Zombie Ass and
2) Kiss the Asses and other fun body parts of every woman you come across!
That’s creepy as hell. I wouldn’t be caught dead playing this. I showed this to a girl and she was quite freaked out.
Well bully for you. It’s OK to not like things. I’m guessing you didn’t rate Lollipop Chainsaw either.