Chav: The Knifing – The Straight Cold One’s

Chavthulu is the ancient god of bus stops and bus shelters, or at least the modern incarnation of some ancient, brutish god that is associated with waiting, boredom and teenagers with nothing to do. He is far from the only ancient being with a finger, toe, tentacle or other appendage in the chav pie. There’s a whole pantheon of other dark and strange beings out there…

Dirtyhotep: The patron dark god of red light districts, Dirtyhotep grants his… her.. it’s boon to sex workers, doormen and filthy bastards of all descriptions. Rather than bus-stops Dirtyhotep’s power is channelled through nudie bars, brothels, sex cinemas and secluded alleyways where people have knee tremblers. Dirthyhotep appears as a gigantic tentacle with feminine lips, dressed in tracksuit bottoms and a sports bra and covered in penises.

Adenough: Adenough is the patron dark god of binge drinking. His power is channelled through off licences and he encourages drunkenness and excess in all its forms. Adenough appears as a shifting, vomitous mass of acidic and fizzing spew.

Schlub-Niggerwrath: Schlub-Niggerwrath is the patron of racist nationa lism. His followers tend to be deformed, chinless, stupid and also tend to vastly overestimate their own capabilities and to underestimate those of anyone who isn’t of their own race. He appears as a pig-like being wearing a St George’s Cross T-shirt and channels his power through acts of appalling racism and terrible un-PC jokes, rather than locations.

Has the Monosyballic: Has is probably a dark god but doesn’t have the vocabulary to actually tell anyone who or what he is. He channels his power through schools, but only provided that nobody is learning anything. Has appears as a floating apostrophe covered in eyes.