The Comprehensive is what passes for a community school in the magic(k)al subculture of the Shadow World and as such takes the magically talented of all degrees of talent and all social strata through its gates. This acclimates the kids to real life experience by making sure that they’re victimised and bullied from the moment they arrive and it also tends to lead to world-weary teachers who wish they had proper jobs somewhere else, anywhere but here.
The Comprehensive teaches a broad curriculum, covering basic conventional subjects as well as magic(k)al concepts. The staff include teachers of all grades of ability and enthusiasm – or lack thereof. The school might be cheap, but some people still have ideological reasons for teaching in a State magic(k)al school, or simply aren’t welcome in the private ones.
Headmaster: Mr Punch
Mr Punch is not actually a Wizard. Ever since wizarding school, which – he has no idea why he was sent to – he has faked it and the whole thing has sort of gotten out of hand. Now he finds himself in charge of a full comprehensive magical school. His way of dealing with this is to hide in his office and not come out unless he really has to. Most years he gets away with this, only venturing forth when new kids are taken in in September to give a mumbled speech and then fleeing back to his office. Mr Punch is a big, broad shoulders and barrel-bellied man in his mid fifties with a penchant for tweed suits and spectacles on chains, though he still somehow manages to lose track of them. He is a bumbling idiot and knows he is, so staying out of the way is probably his best plan.
Assistant Head: Miss Encephala
Grey skinned, Miss Encephala has an octopus for a head and speaks in pinched, hissing tones. She has an unnerving habit of stroking pupil’s heads with her gooey tentacles while she’s talking to them. Her stare is unnerving and unblinking and she utterly, utterly, loathes children of all kinds. With Mr Punch hiding in her office she has to do his job as well as hers and this has made her even more psychotic. In acts of petty revenge she undermines the school by spending its money on pointless things, making it look nice trying to make money from it and not replacing books or magic(k)al equipment unless forced to.
Head of Physical Education: Mister(?) Alex Silverbirch
Of indetermine gender this half-elven teacher acts slightly inappropriately with students of both sexes and his… her… its(?) gender is a topic of much speculation amongst the student body. Short haired, fine featured and dressed in a turquoise tracksuit, Silverbirch is in charge of the much hated PE department and has to cobble together a Bigpitch team. Cantrip Comprehensive always, always loses, but nobody in the school cares.
Physical Education: Miss Krunk
Half Troll and all woman, Miss Krunk lives a double life. At the school she’s as butch and demanding as they come, forcing kids to go through their mandated physical education classes, the minimal exercise that a magician is required to do not to turn into a fat blob or to snap in a stiff wind. Out of school she likes pretty dresses, flowers and collects My Little Ponies, a dichotomy that pupils who encounter her outside of school can’t get their heads around.
Caretaker: Mr Slaugh
A creepy, shadowy figure, Mr Slaugh doesn’t sleep and is always lurking, somewhere in the school, ready to mop the floors, clean the toilets, replace lightbulbs and anything else that needs to be done. Nobody ever sees him actually doing the work, but it seems to get done. When he’s not working he’s found in the boiler room which is hot, dark and spooky.
Nurse: Mrs Klump
Mrs Klump is a construct, a stitched together mish-mash of pieces that don’t really fit well together. Despite this she has a heart of gold (perhaps literally) and mothers any hurt kids almost unbearably until their parents come to get them. Oddly this tends to put kids off ‘pulling a sickie’ to get out of class as they can’t bear to be treated like babies.
Office Staff: The Triplets
Rather than maiden, mother, crone, The Triplets are reception, admin, secretarial. The same woman, divided into three, she styles her hair differently in each form to help people distinguish between them and uses small amounts of magic to make her job/s easier.
Head of English & Magical Languages: Madame Gorget
A penanggal, Madame Gorget is attached to her body by a metal collar. As teacher of English and Magical Languages she is strict beyond belief and has no patience whatsoever for kids who do not share her talent for languages and dishes out far too many punishments and often calls kids stupid. That’s a vampiric temperament for you.
English & Magical Languages: Mr Pott
Mr Pott is half dwarf and all insane. While a brilliant and inspiring teacher with a real talent for languages he is an energetic, vibrating ball of energy that’s barely contained at the best of times. He can be overwhelming in his sheer enthusiasm and loudness, something that doesn’t endear him to other teachers who can’t sustain that level of enthusiasm.
Head of Alchemy: Mr McBastard
Another half-dwarf, Mr McBastard heads of the alchemy department the largest one, largely because it’s the most commercial and thus gets most of the funding from Miss Encephala, much to the resentment of other departments. Mr McBastard doesn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks, least of all his students upon whom he practices his drill sergeant routine in his deep, Scottish brogue.
Alchemy: Miss Neem
Miss Neem is an intensely disinterested alchemy teacher who is really just phoning it in. Part basilisk she has to hide her death-ray gaze behind some big, bug-eyed sunglasses. You can still feel her glare though, whenever you disrupt the class, she just wants to get through it as fast as the kids do.
Alchemy: Mister Larry
During a research trip to the Outer Hebrides, Mr Larry was bitten by the legendary Venemous Vampire Sheep of those island fields. He didn’t turn fully, but did manage to limit the effect so that he only turns into a sheep during a full moon. Occasionally he ‘slips’ during the rest of the month, but he tries to keep it under wraps while working on side projects that interest him far more than teaching, desperate to get the respect he used to have as a field wizard.
Alchemy: Mr Noot
An ill-advised government programme offers to let magicians who work in other fields of the magic(k)al underworld take up teaching without any training. Mr Noot is a typical product of this, a ‘teacher’ who has no idea what the hell he’s doing and over whom the kids ride completely roughshod. He couldn’t teach his way out of a wet paper bag and his classes are reminiscent of a school of piranhas devouring a confused – and possibly retarded – cow. He gets very red faced and smacks his lips when upset, which only makes it worse.
Head of Scribing & Enchantment: Mrs Bumble
Mrs Bumble is a frustrated painter who would much rather live in the lake district painting watercolours but because of her lack of real talent and her magic(k)al capabilities finds herself teaching calligraphy, sculpting and enchantment to students who may even be better at it than she is. Out of bitter resentment she deeply criticises even the slightest flaw in any student’s work and has, thus, put many possible great enchanters completely off the field forever.
Scribing & Enchantment: Rosebud
A forest nymph, Miss Rosebud is a subject of some controversy amongst parents and staff – and the older pupils – split almost entirely along gender lines. A naked green girl with only three strategically placed leaves to cover her modesty causes awkward questions and problems. That said, she’s one of the few good teachers who actually cares about her pupils and her bursting into tears is the ultimate disciplinary tool.
Head of Never Again: Mrs Popper
The department of ‘Never Again’ is what passes for history and it’s their responsibility to ensure that future generations do not make the huge magic(k)al mistakes of the past. Mrs Popper is enthusiastic in her task, especially when talking about the darker, nastier parts of history. Perpetually pregnant she has a love of silly voices, hats, props and illusory magic when she’s teaching.
Never Again: Doctor Smee
A creaking, dusty, slow-talking old fool Smee maintains his position through sheer stubbornness, despite having had a retirement party at least five times. They’ve now given up firing him and since he forgets to ask to be paid they let him hold his mumbled classes in the school library. Most kids don’t even bother turning up.
Head of Magical Theory: Mr Pond
Mr Pond is perpetually damp-looking, with a hideous comb-over. His clammy presence chills the room and while he’s jovial and chummy and means nothing bad by it, it still manages to come across as creepy. He’s very keen and competent when it comes to magical theory but is far more interested in being ‘down with the kids’. Something that he’s not nearly so good at.
Magical Theory: Miss Turkey
Part harpy, Miss Turkey has an annoying, screeching voice and has to sit on a perch while teaching class. She’s great at magical theory but her appearance and patchy feathers are unsettling, even disgusting and tend to put most of the kids off learning. She has a lot of sympathy for other half-breeds in the school system and runs a little support group at lunchtimes.
There are other teachers of course, filling in gaps and standing in when Mr Larry turns into a sheep, but these are the teachers who really shape the school experience for the pupils.